Under the Covers (from my journaling dialogue with God)

I'm laying here under my bed covers

wishing Jesus was right here in this very secret place with me...

Like when He was with Mary as she sat at His feet.

And He was sitting right there in the flesh

speaking intimately person to person.

She talking to Him and He listening to her heart.

I wonder the exact words spoken.

I know the passage relating to Martha fluttering about

setting the table, getting the meal on, etc.

with Mary doing the better thing.

Me, I would want to be telling the Lord how sad it makes me

that so many children suffer;

the lonely and lost; the afflicted; the helpless;

the hopeless.

That racism is so prevalent.

Black people are so in need of His grace and mercy,

As are so many others, so in need of God's favor upon them.

I would be asking God to heal the nations. 

Stop the violence, the terror,

the ugly hatred.

I would tell God about my lying here and sending my spirit out to the sea 

of human degradation;

a hellish men and women, and children,

sold into forms of slavery;

those left to starve to death;

the hungry, the homeless;

motherless and fatherless;

abused and misused;

murder and slaughter rampant;

throats cut through to the bone.

Why is man-made subject to such inhuman cruelty?

Looking into the windows of the homes, I see

the privileged in one window, and the downtrodden

in another.

Joy and hope in one; sickness and death in another;

a young girl gang-raped and murdered - tortured and thrown into a river.

An innocent child programmed to beat his head against a wall.

A little boy stomped to death.

While a sweet innocent child a short distance away 

is held closely and well-fed, 

coddled in the security blanket of loving parents.

I would ask God why is this so -

Such disparity one over another.

Why one favored to grace and beauty and another

To ugly shame and disgrace.

I would ask God does it matter that I care

for the lost children of Nigeria,

or those like Michael Brown.

Does it matter even that I write here? 

That I prayed this morning?

Is God even giving a thought to me?

I went wandering across hills and valleys,

saw the pristine lakes,

fresh trout jumping on the hook of a fisherman

in a perfect place.

Saw lovers locked in the bliss of a sweet kiss,

and a warm embrace.

Watched children at play on a warm spring day.

I thought of my beloved rain which pours inside me,

the special tree that I speak to each time I pass by.

I visited the top of the Alps to the ocean floor;

I walked in the woods and listened to the birds chirp and flutter about.

Then I wandered down around the dregs of society,

the den of thieves and evil-doers.

I looked in on the diseased and dying, the hopeless and forlorn.

It is this world we live in. 

This institution unjust and biased.

Human suffering is woven into the fabric of our society.

It goes with the territory.

It was as I was passing by I asked God why.

He created it thus so.

Why it is that one can experience the great goodness of the Lord

and another seem cast aside like dirty laundry?

His Word says:

"I am the Lord, and there is no other.

I form the light and create darkness,

I bring prosperity and create disaster,

I, the Lord, do all these things."

In another translation, it reads,

"I create good and I create evil."

In this chapter 45 of Isaiah,

He asks the question:

"Does the clay say to the potter, what are you making?"

Well... uh... yeah.  It's how You made me.

These are the things that plague me.

"You know my thoughts (from afar) before they are formed." (Ps. 139.2)

Then I got to thinking too about God being love everywhere -

"His Love endures forever."

All the time.

God's love is endless, boundless –

it is a constant motion -

never ceasing to be.  As is His mercy, compassion,

His goodness.

It's like the air we breathe;

The sky overhead ever being there;

The sun never leaving the sky.  It's as if written in stone.

I could say - His Love is as a constant refrain.

That's how we can say God is ever-present (Omnipresent).

Because it is how the Holy Spirit works.

It's how we can say and know God is in the midst of us.

In the midst of the seas - troubled or calm.

His Love is for all.

His grace and goodness is everywhere like the air I just wrote a minute ago.   

Just need to say it again

because I can feel the air coming through my window 

reaching under my covers through a small opening.

I recognize cause and effect triggering movement in purposed direction.

And the context of laws come to mind - - for instance...

Nature never deviates from her established laws 

(she adheres to the laws of God);

After night comes day (though day can sometimes be a long time coming);

What goes around, comes around (the seasons come and go,

but either period can bring with it brutal force winds);

"Every adversity brings with it "the seed" of an equivalent advantage."  

Napoleon Hill

(But if you can't perceive it, you can't achieve it. Even with perception, 

it must be clearly defined);

If you plant a seed in fertile ground, it will sprout 

(though once it reaches above ground,

harsh conditions can kill it).

The law of the farm says -  you reap the harvest from that which is sown 

 (though cultivation

is key and vital to the condition and strength of the plantings - 

such as the likes of truths and lies,

thoughts and ideas, concepts and theories, images and pictures, 

identities and ideologies).

To quote my brother James, as thus says the Lord, "It's impossible 

to separate yourselves from ME.

Yet you may allow yourselves to think you are separate from ME,

but you can never be separate from ME, for I AM ONE with you..."

There is a "knowing" that God is ever near.  I know that I know Him.

Nevertheless, I press... because I am pressed to know the more.

Too many things are unclear.

I can't still this tide of sadness that comes over me... 

pondering man's inhu-man-ity

And I wonder...

Does it matter... these ramblings... my prayers...

I prayed for my dear friend Iris with all my heart that God would heal her;

I prayed for my mother, my sister, my Aunt Ruth;

Got down on my knees every morning that I cared 

for my friend with cancer, all the way to the hospice,

holding on to faith, reverently, firmly believing the Word of God 

set before me as commanded that I do.

But it didn't seem to matter.

So why do I pray?  For hope? Why am I even writing here...

Who reads this?  Do these words just filter into space like speckles of dust?

What does my life mean?

When I look up to the clouds they seem to know my name,

the tree bids me welcome, the river calls me to its side.

I stretched out upon a huge rock and I felt myself become one with it.

I look up to the stars

and know I was birthed from their dust, 

that I am the energy and matter of the universe.

That there is an internal communication with creation.

I am one with the Creator of all life.

Yet and still.... I need to know more just now...

Why would a loving, compassionate merciful God lay 

such horrendous evil upon us?

Is this the debt of disobedience?! Really?!

And there are those who would say.... man brought evil upon himself...

I would point out... God is the creator of all things, good and evil.

In 1Samuel, the scripture reads,

"The Spirit of the Lord departed from Saul, 

and an evil spirit from the Lord tormented and troubled him.

Saul's servants said to him,  Behold, an evil spirit from God torments you." 

(1Samuel 16:14-15)

..."an evil spirit from God came mightily upon Saul..."  1Samuel 18:10)

The Holy Spirit has been dwelling within us over 2,000 years

yet people of Christian faith have done monstrosities as any man.

I'm bothered by this.

I can't escape it.

I need greater assurances on some things.

I need a magnified Presence, illumination, and insightful revelations.

I have questions unanswered, needs unmet.

I would ask to see more of what's next.

I would ask how does my art fit into God's plan for man;  

or the relevance of my work.

If any relevance at all to the work of the Lord.

So many wonderful God-gifted artists rise and fall so brutally.

If you don't take up the mantle,

you are left to wither and die.

if you soar to great heights,

you're likely to crash and burn in the fire.

It can't be true - You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

It is from "the divine" this artist mind.

Where is our net?  Where is Your peace which passeth understanding?

It is in here I question God's will.

Is it so...

That it is You leading me where it is that I go...?

It's as if I have not moved from this wrestling wilderness place;

It seems I have not moved on to a higher plain.

It's taking such a long time to reach across the seas.

As if it's all in vain.

Who will ever know?  These words can be left here on the page...

with all of the other thousands of words I've written.

Wait upon the Lord such and such... He will strengthen your heart, I suppose...

In this hour, I feel pinned against a wall on all sides...

all around is squeezing the life out of me.

The only spirit churning is the beast.

I could jump off a cliff and be done with it...

These cares and woes make me sick.

I wish there was one somebody...

just a piece of somebody

to let go to (like with Iris)

to tell this soul to

what's hurting me, haunting me

causing me to tie up my bones on the bramble bush

and light the fire in stone...

"Cause ain't nobody home

to hear

my suffering inside this old beat up piece of me.

I want a just reward for my work

I want to profit from my work

I want to benefit from my work

I want to benefit others from and through my work

as the energized thoughts and ideas have spoken to me from the universe, 

nature, through the spirit.

I have been an active and excellent student.

"Study to show thyself approved..." the scripture instructs (IITim. 2:15)

I have sought, and continue to seek knowledge, wisdom and understanding,

and have diligently sought out the truths of God.

I have fallen and I have risen many many times over

And to quote Mother Maya, "And still I rise."

Sometimes though, when I'm lying under my bedcovers

I wish I could strip off this flesh... rise right up out of it... to be weightless...

Don't want to feel the touch of my body next to itself.

I've had this troubling dream in one form or another,

Where I'm taking a train (the subway) to class, or somewhere of the like,

But I find myself on the wrong train,

Or going in the wrong direction, and have to get off and go back 

to take a different train...

conscious of the time, noting the hour and minutes... don't want to be late.

When I ask for directions from the authorities, they are not always helpful.

I've never reached my destination... in the dream... always in travel mode.

The Lord said to His disciples on the night before His crucifixion,

"In this world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration;

But be of good cheer (take courage, be confident, certain, undaunted),

For I have overcome the world (I have conquered it for you)." (John 16)

Take the Lord at His Word...I hear whispering in my ear.

Selah (means pause and give thought to this).

When I revisit the scriptures, I'm drawn to the passage of Luke 10:41-42

which tells of Martha being anxious and troubled about many things.

Mary just sat at  His feet. 

Perhaps she didn't need Him to say anything at all.

It was a delight... just sitting at His feet was enough.

I'm a little of both I suppose.

A friend texted me..."God refines His angels with fire."

I'm fully aware that God is a refining fire...an all-consuming fire...

which brings about purification and transformation.

In-light I see the on-going process

from one generation to the next.

Man lives in  a time "frame."

"Frame" is an interesting word -

To symbolize set-pattern, structured, box, enclosure.

But "unframed" is limitless, without borders, or boundaries...

Time "being" becomes irrelevant.

Which causes me to think of Einstein's theory of time -

That the past, present and future exist simultaneously -

An undivided, solid reality (separation is an illusion).

So, in this on-going light, God's on-going process of refinement  

is not only timeless, 

but there is no separation one from another.

Therefore the refinement fire in one is not separate 

from the refinement fire of the whole...

Napoleon Hill wrote..."The vibrations of thought is an energy which connects

every human brain... thinking is energy...thinking fills the universe" -

affirming that the human mind is a form of energy.

So we are all connected to this one field of timeless energy?

Interestingly,  I have so often felt very connected to the mind 

and spirit of Shakespeare, to the heart of Van Gogh.

Often thought he suffered for me (as did others); spared me to some degree.

I've thought that art is "one" entity, one form of energy within itself...

one spirit...one river...

It lends itself to man... to be light... to ignite.

It is itself a flame.  A characteristic of Christ.

"Thus says the Lord, the God of Israel;

Write all the words that I have spoken to you in a book." (Jeremiah 30:2)

"Behold I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it

and will you not give heed to it?

I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." 

(Isaiah 43:19)

"I will go before you and level the mountains 
(to make the crooked places straight):

I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut asunder the bars of iron.

And I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places;

That you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel,  

Who calls you by your name." (Isaiah. 45:2-3)

"ARISE (from the depression and prostration which circumstances have kept you).

Rise and shine, for your light has come and the glory of the Lord 

has risen upon you!"  (Isaiah 60:1)

Wow... What WORDS!  So amazing!  I am in awe...so so amazing...so empowering! 

Thank You Lord!

Though I've heard this Word before, it comes to me brand new... 

fresh from the throne. 

Greatly invigorating.

Praise God!!

I am also led to the scripture which says,

'For now we are looking as if through a glass dimly,  as if a poor reflection 

in a mirror, it is an incomplete picture." (1Cor. 13)

The finite mind of man has limitations.

Whereas the infinite mind of Christ is limitless (omniscient)

We can't see clearly because our eyes are still partially veiled and we ourselves, 

those called as manifest sons, have not been unveiled.

"When the complete and perfect comes, the incomplete 

and imperfect will vanish away (superseded)." (1Cor. 13:10

Looking deeply into Christ really blessed me...

"In Him are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." 

(Colossians. 2-3)

"He is the truth and the wisdom of God." (Preston Eby)

Jesus (y'eshuah) the sacrificial Lamb of God without spot or blemish -

Christ the Savior -

The Incorruptible Seed of God the Father

"...for that which is conceived in her (Mary) is of the Holy Spirit." 

(Matthew 1:20)

"Then the angel said to her, The Holy Spirit will come upon you, 

and the power of the Most High will over-shadow you; and so the holy Thing 

which shall be born of you will be called the Son of God." (Luke 1:35)

The High Priest... after the order of Melchizedek 

(Genesis. 14:18, Psalm 110:4, Hebrews 7:11)

Worthy to build the Holy Temple, Whose command is 

that we love one another.

He had no blood on His hands;

never once shed the blood of his fellow man;

never once picked up a sword, weapon or arms to kill, steal, 

plunder and destroy;

never once committed idolatry, or self-righteous hypocrisy.

He did not give into vanity or blasphemy, 

nor profane the Name of the Lord God.

He submitted to the redemptive work as the only begotten Son of God;

chosen at birth to shed His own blood; 

slain before the foundation of the earth

for the sin of man's disobedience (in order to know 

and to sow death and destruction).

And with "his knowledge" man has chosen to serve the darkness 

rather than the light (John 3:19)

So this creature of habit

has sojourned through the valley of death,   

wallowing in the  den of iniquity,

treading on the thistles and thorns of the earth,

made captive to the wiles of sumptuous deceits,

wasting away on the trappings of mindless ventures and vain pursuits,

serving the institutionalized religious systems of misrepresented truths,

and false teachings cloaked in self-righteous indoctrinations, 

systematic subjugation, white domination, 

and crusading abominations!

Swallowed up in the belly of the beast...who rises up out of the sea 

of our carnal nature. ( Rev. 13:1)

A corrupted man of things... buying and selling... 

(buying into and selling out to),

seeking after power and might to display his name, 

serving beastly religiosity

for self-glorification, self-exaltation, and self-deification.

"Thou suggests, I am rich and increased with goods 

(prospered and grown wealthy),

and have no need of nothing; 

and knowest not that thou art wretched and miserable,

and poor, and blind and naked." (Rev. 3:17)

He has given into all ways of evil.

Anyone who says he has not, gives credence to the evil of hypocrisy.

And so it goes...

What a price...

But by the grace of God, Christ, the Messiah has come unto restoration 

through the manifestation of

the sons of light.

"The whole of creation groans in wait of the sons of God to arise." 

(Romans 8:10)

When the seed is planted, it must be imbedded in fertile ground.

It must then take root, germinate (shoot up, sprout out)

and grow up into a healthy, hearty specimen

to become the image of the thing from which it is an origin - birthed -

to become and serve the purpose of the same.

As an oak seedling is unto an oak tree....

As we are the seedlings unto Christ -"The Tree of Life."

Savior Christ, King of Glory

Praise the Name of the Lord our God,

Savior Christ, King of Glory

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Hallelujah...

"When I consider(ed) how to understand this, 

it is too great an effort for me and too painful..."

"For my heart is grieved, embittered, and in a state of ferment, 

 and I am pricked in my heart.

So foolish, stupid and brutish am I, and ignorant! 

I am like a beast before You.

Nevertheless I am continually with You.

You do hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel,  

and afterward receive me to honor and glory.

Whom have I in heaven but You?

I have no delight or desire on earth besides You."

(I seek no other help to lead and guide me besides You.  

 It is only You, Lord, my God.)

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is my Rock 

and firm Strength of my heart and my Portion forever." (Ps 73:16, 21-26)

"...David, though greatly distressed, encouraged 

and strengthened himself in the Lord God."

(ISamuel 30:6)

This song comes to mind, "Savior, Savior... hear my humble cry...

while on others Thou art calling... do not pass me by."

What a great song.

I sit with it, meditate on it a bit... and think on the writer of it...

These words were not just pompous ministrations.

They were formed from his heart, deeply felt, contrite and reverent.

Praise the Lord.

Keep on asking, the Lord says;

Keep on seeking, the Lord says;

Keep on knocking, the Lord says (Matthew 7:7)

Keep on, keep on, keep on...

I will open up to you; My door is opened wide to you,     

 the Lord says to me.

I delight in Your Word.

"Lord, I believe! Help my weakness of faith."  (Mark 9:24)

Which tells you, I am not yet the overcomer.

I'm seeking ever the more.

As I reckon consider…

The storms which rise inside the tide of the ebb and flow 

of the raging rivers within –

Beneath my tinged skin –

This stream coming up from the deep waters where desire lie …

Giving voice to the closeted chapters of the tell-tales of the sort

Stitched as thorns and thistles in the hem line of my bed covers

Springing up and pouring like heavy rain

On the draughted plain,

Sending up smoke signals to the clouds from whence it came…

That the well swells with fire.

As so it be

This beast out of the sea.

Thankfully, God has mercy on us and me.

Looking further still... I see

I need deliverance from this spirit, "hostility."

Recognized it fully this morning.

Rose up inside me and looked me dead in my face.

It's an evil thing... comes from the deep dark waters out of the sea.

I'm asking God to take it from me.

It's a tortuous spirit leading to anger, depression and hate for my state.

It causes me to close the door to happiness and hope.

The Word says, "resist evil and it will flee you."

(James 4:7)

Well, I'm hoping to be rid of it.

But should it again camp on my doorstep,

I will hope God devise a sidestep for me to take,

And then it is gone for good some day,

I hope and pray.

I will keep a watchful eye.

Then there is the ever-present "pride of life" which rears its ugly head.

I take a hammer to it and beat it down when it comes aground... 

though it's like a weed readily on the rise.

Help Lord.

You are my sword and my shield, my anchor and my might.

"Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies,

it remains a single seed, it bides alone.    

But if it dies, it bears much fruit, and produces many more seeds... 

becoming new seeds of life..."

"Whoever serves me must follow Me; where I am, My servant will be also..." 

(John 12:24/25)

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots to the stream...

and never fails to bear fruit." (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

Thank You Lord for this time together.

"Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." (PS 119:105)

You are the Seed from which we are stemmed - 

where we are stitched and hemmed.

You are the Womb in which we are birthed.

The stars rule at Your will. .."He calls them all by their names." PS 147.4

"He is the Maker of Orion and the Pleiades." (John 9:9, Amos 5:8)

"The Lord appointed the moon for the seasons." Ps.104:19

"Man cannot look upon the sun when it is bright in the skies..." (Job 37:21)

Nature bows down before Your Feet.

"He says to the snow, fall on the earth; likewise, 

He speaks to the showers and to the downpour of His mighty rains." 

(Job 37:6)

"He cast forth His ice like crumbs; who can stand before His cold." 

(Ps. 147:16)

Even as we speak, I can hear the mighty wind I call my friend, swirling, 

gusting its tempest gale up against my window pane.

So brutal and harsh when it blows in the frigid hawk -

howling like the sound of a train speeding across the lake...  

And I hear it speak Your Name.

"Who has gathered up the wind in the hollow of His hands." (Proverbs 30:4)

When a furious storm of wind arose on the sea,

"Jesus /yeshu'ah) rebuked the waves, 'Quiet! Be still!' and the wind ceased,  

and it was completely calm." (Mark 4:37-39, Matt. 8:24-26)

The thunder claps in honor of Your Might.  

"Who can understand the thunder of His power?" (Job 24:14)

"Yonder is the sea, great and wide,

in which are swarms of innumerable creatures both small and great." 

Ps. 104:25

All that moves do so according to the laws ingrained in their veins,

Even the angels do Your bidding.

Nothing is hidden from Your sight.

For it is as written in John 1:1 - "In the beginning, before all time,

was the Word (Christ)...the Word became flesh 

and made His dwelling among us...

the Word was with God, and the Word was God Himself."

("That they may be perfected into one; so that the world may know

that Thou did send Me, and loveth them as Thou loveth Me." John 17:23)

"All things were made and came into existence through Him,

and without Him

was not even one thing made that has been made - come into being." 

(John 1:2)

"The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works...

the entirety of things created.  (Ps. 145:9)

To quote from "The Alchemist" (Paulo Coelho),   

"God created the world so that, through its visible objects, 

man could understand His spiritual teachings and the marvels of His wisdom."

Such as that of love,   

"When we love, we always strive to become better than we are."

I have heard Your Word, Lord, loud and clear,

felt Your touch intimately.

And continue to look expectantly for revelation from the Lord of Hosts.

I sit up on my pillows and let the sun, streaming through my window, 

rest it gaze on my head -

full and blazing bright... shining its light directly upon my crown.

And I think how simply marvelous it feels.

I see in the prism before me possibilities of this masterpiece called man,

in the process of "Being" conformed to God's image, 

may come to create new life form(s)

through the energies within which surpasses the human-being mind-set.

I can see this...

I recognize too that one must be moved out of his comfort zone t

o learn the wisdom in rocks;

One has to be challenged in order to be strengthened;

I understand adversity makes for great victories;

and that overcoming adversity strengthens the resolve.

You can't see from the top of the mountain and look out over the vast horizon

unless you go up.

Again, to quote from The Alchemist, "It's only those who are persistent, 

and willing to study things, who achieve the 'Master Work.'"

Interesting...isn't it...

The power of and in words -

"The sun" - "The Son"

"Sunshine" - "The Son shines upon us"

"Sunlight" - "The Son is The Light"

"Morning sun" - "He is the bright and morning sun"

"The brilliance of the sun/Son is a radiant beam"

"The warmth of the sun" - "The Son warms our hearts"

"The sun/Son lights our way through the darkness"

"The sun" shines always, everywhere... 

always sits at its appointed place in the sky.

Even when it is hidden behind the darkest clouds, it is still ever there.

"The Son" sheds His Light (His Grace) over all, 

and His Light is for all eternity.

"In Him was Life; and that Life was the Light of men."  (John 1:4)

"The True Light that gives Light to every man..."

(John 1:9

"The Lord recompense you for what you have done, Ruth, 

 a full reward be given you by the Lord, the God of Israel under 

Whose wings you have come to take refuge." (Ruth 2:12)

"I have brought you to be as a bride (of Christ) 

to restore the name of the dead to his inheritance..."  (Ruth 4:10)

"Out of my distress I called upon the Lord;

the Lord answered me and set me free and in a large place." (Ps. 118:5)

"For He knows our frame, He remembers that we are dust." (Ps. 103:14    

Praise God

"Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!  PRAISE THE LORD" (Ps. 150:6)

May the bright morning sun/Son shine on your day, and light your way... I pray...

Amen

(I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...the Father of glory,  

that He may give unto us a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the (deep and 

intimate) knowledge  of Him, having the eyes of our heats flooded with light... 

Ephesians 1)